15th November 2015
Preparing for your Ski Trip
Some exercises you can practise to be physically and MENTALLY prepared for your ski trip.
- Place a small but angular pebble in each shoe, line your shoes with crushed ice and then tighten a C-clamp round your toes
- Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
- Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
- Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying £20 for a beefburger. Make sure you are in the longest queue.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zip on your jacket and then ride a motorbike fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it in a snowstorm and you are following a large lorry.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes
- Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then take them off again immediately because you need to go to the toilet.
- Soak your gloves and store them in a freezer after every use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed at night.
- Visit your local butcher and pay him £100 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. When you come out burn a wad of £10 notes to warm up.
- Throw away £100 now.
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, poles and day bag.
- Pretend you are looking for a card in your multi-pocketed jacket and sporadically drop things.
- If you wear glasses begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Slam your thumb in the car door. Do not seek medical attention.
Repeat all these exercises every Saturday and Sunday until it is time to head for the slopes.